It's Time

Decided I really should update you, blogger. My apologies for ignoring you. It's been an interesting couple of months.

It's been a long time coming, getting to where I am now. A lot has happened in the two months I've been gone. I'm a different person. I'm like play-doh. I'm constantly being molded into different shapes. Sometimes I get a little hard, and it takes a while to work me back out. But it feels good to be remolded.

Anyway, I'm technically working. I will write more later tonight, Blogger.

FUCK

Always gotta fuck things up, don't I?

I hate that you're completely okay with leaving me behind in time. Pre-determined endings hurt.

Well

Things change, people change, I've changed.

And obviously so have you.. in a few ways. It boggles my mind that after all this time you have decided to be close to me again.

And I don't get you. You're still heart broken over someone else, yet you find the time to say suggestive things to me, and still make me feel like shit on occasion. I loved you, for so long. But that's over. It's been over, for a long time. So please, don't try to bring up old feelings. They don't really exist anymore. You're just picking at old wounds.

I just wanted to get some of this out of my head. I want to smile. And i have been smiling lately. However too many of you have spent way too much time making me unhappy.

Doesn't everyone deserve to smile?

No, I didn't need to know you fucked her. I didn't need to know you almost got her pregnant 3 times this summer. I didn't need to know.

Maybe

Maybe we're supposed to save each other?

I've never smiled so genuinely in my life, never missed someone so much, never wanted to do so much just to make you laugh..

This is new to me. And this is me, hoping it's real.

Thank you for making me feel alive again.

Kansas

Kansas, I hate you. You're so fucking hot. I'm miserable.

But, on a brighter note. I had the lovliest weekend..

Fiction.

I was wrong. So wrong. Love is a fucking myth. Forget anything nice I ever said. It's all bullshit.

That gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, love is real.

I can do whatever I want

I can, and I will.

This is to you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEbULIn7mfY

Listen carefully. I mean every god damned word.



And to the only person that has made me feel like I'm doing what's best for me lately.. Thank you so much. You have no idea how our friendship has become something I rely on so much. It's amazing to find the right friend when you really need them. I'll be here for you like you are for me. :) Thanks hobo.

You Act Like You Just Saw A Ghost.

Watch me disappear. Just like a go-go-go-ghost. Watch me go-go-go-ghost.


Sorry. Bit obsessed with that song.

Anyway, so there was someone I had been itching to talk to. But I was advised by a best friend that I really probably shouldn't. So I didn't. And then you know what happened? He texted me yesterday. I was in shock, staring down at the name on my phone's shiny screen.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

No. It wasn't. He needed to vent. I let him vent as long as he needed. He needed me in his life, just like I had always needed him. We just didn't need each other the way we once thought we did. As mad as it may make some people, can I just say that it feels good to be in the clear with him? I hate knowing that we ended on such a bad note.. It's nice to know we can maybe be friends again someday. Conscience cleared.

Maybe my soul will come back after all?

The paper cuts my skin again

I don't have anything to tell you.

except, listen to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERv4XZpfWE0&feature=avmsc2

there must be something wrong with me.

Dear Bloggidy-Woggidy-Fig-Foggidy

FML.

Did you get the hint on how much I mean that?


Thanks.

Give me some time..

If I hid in my room tomorrow..
Didn't go to class, didn't go to work.. I would be happy.
I want some alone time. But no one will give it to me.

I've been sitting up here, listening to music for the past 5ish hours? Ever since I got home from work.

I just want time to relax. Collect my thoughts that have been swirling around like a fucking tornado. This is Kansas, after all. The ice box has relocated back into my chest. Everything is numb. But I don't mind. Because that means I don't feel a whole lot.

I think I'm turning into one of my photoshop creations. My opacity must be set pretty low, because I feel like everyone can see through me.

Which can only mean that it's time to build up my walls again. I don't know when they'll be coming down. Consider me under maintenance, a construction zone. Maybe I'll reemerge a better person.

Whole.

Does it make me a bad person?

This is my rant/random chatter blog post.

I broke up with my boyfriend Friday night. The boyfriend that my parents actually approved of. Took long enough for them to finally like one, and then as it turned out, I didn't.. anymore. It was long-distance, about 3 hours. To some of you, that may be nothing. But for me, a young girl just starting college, beginning a new chapter (blah blah blah) in her life, it was too far. He was older, graduating college, and already talking about a family with me.

I am 18 years old, and not ready to think about things like that. Which is incredibly hipocritical of me. I dated a guy for 2 years, and he gave me a promise ring. I really thought he was the guy I was going to marry. Apparently I was wrong. About 2 months after he had given me that ring, I recieved a tip that apparently he was going to break up with me at our anniversary dinner later that week. Bummer. So I called him and ended it right then. No need to wait another few days. And so the heartbreak began of being (almost) broken up with because he'd rather do the band thing, be single, be a bro. Ahh, yes. Band boys. Did I mention his band broke up a while back? haha.

I went for about half a year, telling myself love was just a myth. Something that no one could really prove existed. And only the lucky few believed in it, and claimed to know and understand it.

I dated around. Never committing. Commitment terrified me.

The "L" word escaped the lips of many that took me on dates, trying to rein me in, saying they could prove to me that it existed. What? With me? You've taken me out what, twice? Honestly.

Unfortunately, every time I started to get really close with any of them, I started pulling away. It felt like they were all trying to super-glue me to them. When really, all I had ever known was rubber cement. Got the job done, held it together for awhile, but was easy to pull apart.

That was just the way I operated. Call it cruel. But I saw better things in store for them. I consider myself somewhat as a stepping stone to those guys. We taught each other how to open up, and now they're nearly all dating lovely ladies, whom they seem to be very happy with. I'm happy for them.

They taught me something, too. Don't just rush into things, because it might just be the honeymoon feeling. It doesn't last forever. And when it's gone, you'll be sad you're stuck with super glue.

I didn't really seem to listen to my own advice with these last two real relationships. They were both short and sweet. The first, I was quite attached. I thought he was too. Until he ended it quite abruptly, with really no reasoning. This time, I ended it, rather abruptly, after seeing that he was too clingy for me (when we were around each other), and that it was weird that we barely ever saw each other.

Maybe I'm just stupid. Or maybe I just like to make people happy, and I say yes when they ask me on a date, or to be theirs. Seeing other people smile just makes me feel good. But I'm getting the feeling that it will feel even better making my self smile, instead of everyone else, for once.

Just maybe.

I've met a few new people. They've made me laugh, and think of things in new ways. Made me realize I can be a confident person. It feels good to really laugh again. To have honest talks with someone I just met, and know that they understand already. I can be me. I've just got to try.

Random Thinks.

Your love suffocated me.
Your affection crashed down violently
like waves from the sea.
I was the shore,
You were the tide.
And then I'm at the bottom of the ocean's floor.
You watch me drowning, and then you step inside
the water's body.
To keep me there,
Without the air.




The sun doesn't beat down on me,
No, it knows I crave something better.
It quietly falls on me,
Like the warm, joyous feeling
You get from an unexpected letter.
It's so much more than healing.




The wind says she's missed holding
My frail body and scoops me up in her arms
Like a sincere hug after a scolding,
"It's okay, no harms
done."




If you read all of this, and still think I'm an okay person, I honestly appreciate that. If you think I'm a cold-hearted bitch, well, don't read anymore.


Am I the only one that has noticed that being geeky is "in style" these days? More and more people are becoming "geek chic." Silly little oddities about us, that we once kept hidden, are now being flung out into public, in attempts to impress the others that are the same way.

My transformers umbrella? Cool.
My rugrats shirt? Cool.
My plethora of Dragon Ball Z movies and series? Ultra cool.
My fedora hat? Cool.
My big, tortoise-shell, thick-rimmed glasses? Cool.
My wolverine mat? Cool.
My obsession for cameras, adobe CS3+? Cool.
My love for strange, underground bands? Super cool.
My poster of two famous, old actors with UFOs behind them? Cool.
My weird-ass thrift store finds? AWESOME.

Uhh. Since when? Since now.

So, no more hiding all the things that make me geeky, anymore. They're about to be the coolest thing since sliced bread. Yeah. That happened.

P.S. Don't go around telling everyone though.. okay? I was kinda hoping you'd keep all of that to yourself.. Okay, thanks.

First Blog.

Hello.

I'm new to this, obviously. I haven't had anything even slightly similar to a blog, since my Xanga account in middle school. Ha. So bear with me..

I'm Alexis. I'm a freshman in college, majoring in graphic design. Hoping to start my own photography and graphic design studio afterwards. I'm not exactly a starving artist. My mother feeds me. Nice of her, isn't it?

This is really just my intro post. The next one will have actual you know.. thinks in it. Yeah, I said thinks, not thoughts. I bet you enjoyed it.